Author Archives: Why We Are Wired To Worry— How Science Can Help Us Stop
Part 4 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One
Understanding Number 9: Until you have the answers to the above questions you have no business taking your guard down removing the boundaries and allowing him to make you feel good. Otherwise it is the equivalent of trying to take your SATs while you are drunk. Because once those chemicals are in play you will have very little common sense, reasonability or objectivity.
Understanding Number 11 if you want to marry the right guy you can’t date the wrong guy just for convenience. If you spend time cuddling and having sex with him it will release oxytocin and dopamine causing you to think you have now fallen in love with him and “Hey he isn’t so bad, I could do worse . That is NOT the BENCH MARK LADIES!!! You will ignore all of the warning signs because you will do anything to keep that buzz.
Understanding number 12: Will he cheat on you? The million-dollar question we all wish we knew ahead of time. Well science now knows that it is wired into his genes. Their ability to be monogamous and be a more attentive father is known by looking at their vasopressin receptor gene. It comes in 17 lengths and the longer it is the better. So that’s the size you should be concerned with. Thinking someone will change or stop that behavior because they are in love is ignorance. Can you battle genetics? Absolutely. Science knows that your genetics and DNA can be altered with outside influences now.
Understanding 13: YOU can NEVER change him! Only HE can change him. Now this is not in concrete this is just on average. Typically when a man marries a women he hopes she will never change— But when a woman marries a man she already has plans on modifying him in some way. Again on average women tend to grow and change most of their lives. Maybe it has to do with our ability to morph into two people during pregnancy or that our brains our wired to see and understand so much more of human behavior that we naturally just want do something with all of that brilliant insight. But if you settle for a partner who never wants to evolve and grow as a person it can leave you feeling very empty and disconnected after 5-10 years. Men are evolving like it or not which is why you will find many more in meditation and yoga rooms that used to be mostly filled with women. So my advice: If you know you want “Blue Fish” don’t go fishing in a stream ladies.
That’s it for now. Hopefully now you will avoid some common mistakes and find a guy who is jut the right fit for you. As always I am always available to for questions and one on one discussions. Be sure to check out all my other podcasts and be sure send me your comments.
Understanding Number 7:
Having no boundaries means you give yourself permission to feel good around him allow him to make you feel wonderful. Right here is where everything changes. You make a conscious decision to seek his compliments, gifts, adoration, caring, and listening. You will see if he brings out the best in you and if he is powerful or has powerful connections you will most likely dive in head first. Does Donald Trump really think those chicks love him for his hair? It is why groupies flock to rock stars like moths to a flame. So be aware of the lure of power. Staying aware of what is happening in your brain and understanding that it is not some cosmic divine connection but simply chemicals will help you maintain objectivity if you put the following boundaries in place.
Understanding Number 8:
- Boundaries are : not having sex and not being too vulnerable when you are around him until you have discussed the following issues–
- In-Law boundaries
- Shared household responsibilities
- Alchohol and drug over indulgence
If you feel it is too early to have those conversations but not to early to have sex then your priorities are reversed. If you are serious about finding the right guy then you have to have these conversations before hand. These are why marriages crash and burn. If you still think it’s too early just think about this: most of those questions are addressed in simple roommate agreements.
Part 2 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One
Understanding Number 5: Your primitive brain can be easily tricked if you are on the pill. Being on the pill will trick your body into thinking it’s pregnant and therefore look for an immune system that is similar to yours because that represents a family member, who will support you in your pregnancy. So be sure to date a man for 3 months on the pill and 3 months off to see if your attraction changes.
Understanding Number 6: The powerful emotions that will follow all these green lights are fueled by over 200 hormones and neurochemicals that will cause you to feel you are falling in love. Once these chemicals ignite, your once sensible and reasonable mind will NOT be functioning with clarity. This the key area you need boundaries or you will fall in love with the wrong one by becoming so addicted to the wonderful buzz that you will ignore everything that could be wrong with him.
And it ignites this fast is because everything in your genetics and reptilian brain pushes you toward finding a mate.
Today I will begin a brief series where I will give you the 13 things you must know if you want to find and marry the right person and not become a divorce statistic. Understanding this information can increase your odds for marital bliss 10 fold. I will be doing this from female perspective but men will enjoy this peek “under the hood “ so to speak. Here are the first four.
Understanding number 1: A man and a woman have two different agendas as to why they pursue each other. A man’s brain tells him to make babies everywhere and a woman’s brain tells her to find a man who can help her raise and protect her family. So understand if you are between ages 13-40 years old then right off the bat you two are NOT on the same page. Some of this changes after 40 for obvious reasons.
Understanding number 2: When a woman first lays eyes on a guy her reptilian brain will scan him in the blink of an eye and evaluate if he is strong, healthy, and looks like he can protect a family. The womans’ conscious mind will be scanning to see if he would be a good provider, smart, well-adjusted and financially secure.
Understanding number 3:
if he passes this first test your brain will release dopamine which is like cocaine to your brain and you’ll believe you are off to a good start. And it would be, if you were living a thousand years ago.
Understanding number 4: Once he gets physically close to you, your brain will pick up his scent and determine whether or not his immune system is different enough from yours so that you would produce healthy babies. But all you will notice is feeling either, more attracted, less attracted or lukewarm. Which is why after meeting a really good looking potential partner you may find yourself saying, “ I don’t know I am just not that attracted to him”
Here is something Ancsestery.com does not tell you—
You are the descendants of the most worried, hyper alert, defensive people that ever evolved. How do I know?? Because you reading this. 10 thousand years ago if you weren’t, your chance of survival was almost zero. Back then the average life span was maybe 25 years. Our lives were in constant danger so all that mattered was making sure you lived to see another sunrise. Aside from all of the physical dangers of animal predators, you had to be very careful of other humans. If you came into contact with a stranger, back then they didn’t show up to say, “Hey what’s up homie wanna go clubbin? NO– They showed up to club you and take your food. For women if your partner was pissed at you that could mean he would leave and you and your offspring would die. So you would go into overdrive to please him.
If the tribe decided they were sick and tired of looking at your hair standing straight up every morning, you could be lunch by noon. So caring about what others thought was an imperative to our survival. To force that instinct into the background is not as healthy as to admit that the need is there and to then over ride it with daily reminders that you won’t die if other people think you dress funny.
You have to accept these instincts before you can over come them.
For today here is one of my podcasts that will explain in 12 minutes some things you need to understand before getting serious with a partner.
American spend almost $700 million a year in self-help books, The good people in the world are all trying to improve in some way. Be better wives, husbands, employees, bosses, parents or have healthier bodies. Because the goal—we always chase is to become a happier person —based on the belief that when I am better— I will feel better.
However, no one up until recently could ever tell you why you weren’t already a good parent, a great wife, or husband or employee. If you want to be these things why couldn’t you figure out how to do it on your own? You have a good heart right? Why on earth would you have to read a book to tell you how to be better to people you already love? The reason is because our behavior is largely veiled to us. On average we only see ourselves accurately about 40% of the time. And it is only that high when we are around close friends or family, it goes down to the teens when we are around strangers or acquaintances. We don’t really see ourselves as others do. If you think that study is wrong I dare you to find video of you that you didn’t know was being taken and tell me how shocking it is to “really” see how you are.
We all know and readily admit that we are not perfect but then we choke when others point out our faults. We go down swinging- defending, protecting and explaining away our actions. Then we dive into more self-help trying to get a glimpse of what others see and fix what is broken. If you want to feel better simply accept that sometimes others get hurt or put off by you. That kind of humility will go a very long way with friends and family not to mention give you the much needed understanding into your actions. When you “see it” you can “change it”
When that really crummy day happens and you find you let yourself become anxious, the neurochemicals that work best to calm it down are endorphins and oxytocin. Anxiety makes it really hard to experience serotonin and dopamine. Studies have shown that oxytocin and endorphins are best for triggering relaxation and calm. Is it any wonder we are wired to get the fastest dose of oxytocin from our partner? I guess evolution understood marriage could be tough at times.
To get a big dose of endorphins or oxytocin, have a great night of sex, cuddle with someone you love, sit with an infant, or spend time nurturing your children. Even being with your pet or volunteering at an animal shelter can do wonders. The most consistent way is get to the gym for some aerobic exercise (at least thirty minutes, if you are healthy enough); It is safer and works more efficiently than any drug we have on the market. Do an intense or endurance sport such as skiing, jet skiing, running, snowboarding, or biking. Research has even found that sunbathing can release endorphins; that is why a day at the beach can rejuvenate almost anyone and why tanning can be addicting. The majority of the people I meet at my gym who are over forty claim that the main reason they exercise is for the emotional benefits—even more than for physical conditioning. Exercise done right can get you out of a state of anxiety and keep you out for forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Guaranteed. No drug can promise that.
It’s Monday, and although it’s beautiful out you may not be feeling it. Retraining your brain to see all the good in your life takes just a few weeks but if you are still struggling here is a great exercise. It is especially helpful on days when some problem is looming, obscuring your view. The following tool can be invaluable to break through and see your life and world through the eyes of another person. But who should that imaginary person be? Well, believe it or not, it should be you! I will show you how to go back in time to when you were just a kid and then allow the present version of yourself to come and show you all the amazing things you will have in your life. Things you take for granted, such as your home, loved ones, past achievements, and the way others perceive you. But now you will be able to see everything in your life with fresh eyes. When you stand as that younger version of yourself listening to all of the wonderful things you will have in your future, it will be easy to see how far you have come in your life and in your development.
This exercise is particularly helpful if you are struggling with a lot of anxiety because this mental separation disengages all of the judgment filters that you normally force all information through. Until these filters are dissolved, it can be difficult some days to see your life in a positive light. It is as though you are standing in a courtroom trying to convince a jury that your life has some great things in it when the prosecutor suddenly jumps up and yells, “Objection, Your Honor; this is hearsay and can’t be proven!” Yeah, we all have that guy in our head from time to time.
This practice will allow you to be as receptive as a wide-eyed child. Your brain underestimates your past accomplishments and achievements just as it does with many of your present ones. But this method of having someone else tell you about your achievements will allow you to revisit these facts and feel how monumental they really are. Make sure that you hear and see this imaginary version of you; make it as real as you can, and take your time.
Back in Time Exercise:
A while back I was having lunch at a neurobiology conference. The conversation went in the way of discussing car accidents (I guess we needed to dumb it down for lunch), and I mentioned that I was hit by a drunk driver more than fifteen times, also mentioning the physical impairments I was left with. It was a dramatic story of me chasing her for forty minutes until ten cop cars finally caught up and tried to stop us both.
Initially she hit me at over 55 miles per hour while I was stopped at red light. When I got my bearings back, I realized that instead of seeing if I was OK, she was trying to back up her crumpled car so she could get away. Well, thanks to some high quantities of adrenaline and dopamine, I ignored the pain shooting down my back and quickly and could tell she was drunk. I believed that if someone did not stop her, she would likely kill someone. So I decided to help out. As she hit speeds of 80 miles per hour, I pursued her as carefully as I could (no, I really did), but each time I got close enough to see her license plate and tried to call 911, all I got was “still searching” on my phone, Ugh! She repeatedly nodded off at intersections and traffic lights, at which point I would pull my car in front of her and try to block her path, but like a drunk Tasmanian Devil, she would spring to life and slam on the accelerator.
You will have to see me in person to hear the rest of the story, but the point is that at the end of my story, the woman to whom I was telling this looked at me and asked, “Are you angry for what she did to you?” I was caught off guard; no one had ever asked me that before. I said, “Not at all. I feel like that was one of the moments I will look back on as when my life really mattered.” That driver had been arrested five times for drunk driving prior to that afternoon. After the accident, she went to prison for a year, got sober, and became a drug counselor. Now she sends me a thank-you card each year on “our anniversary,” thanking me for being her guardian angel.
Others at the table commented on my positive attitude. I smiled because until that moment, I had never seen myself as a positive person, persé I always considered myself a realist. It was then that I realized I had always viewed a positive attitude as a decision to forcibly put a positive spin on things. I’d thought it was a decision that took strength and fortitude and a giant fake smile that I always believed was more about being in denial. Conversely, for me in this story, there was no other choice, no pushing away a buried resentment; this was the only way to see it.
As I have now rewired my brain with the techniques that I teach eeryday, I see that same perception pervading all the areas of my life. Now it just takes pausing for a moment for me to see the reality of all the goodness around me, and there is no other choice but to smile and feel good about life.
People are writing me from all over the world these days, saying that after practicing the techniques in my book, their brain is now naturally leaning toward a positive perception. The sane can happen to you and It won’t take putting rose-colored glasses on—just clear ones.