Part 4 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One
Understanding Number 9: Until you have the answers to the above questions you have no business taking your guard down removing the boundaries and allowing him to make you feel good. Otherwise it is the equivalent of trying to take your SATs while you are drunk. Because once those chemicals are in play you will have very little common sense, reasonability or objectivity.
Understanding Number 11 if you want to marry the right guy you can’t date the wrong guy just for convenience. If you spend time cuddling and having sex with him it will release oxytocin and dopamine causing you to think you have now fallen in love with him and “Hey he isn’t so bad, I could do worse . That is NOT the BENCH MARK LADIES!!! You will ignore all of the warning signs because you will do anything to keep that buzz.
Understanding number 12: Will he cheat on you? The million-dollar question we all wish we knew ahead of time. Well science now knows that it is wired into his genes. Their ability to be monogamous and be a more attentive father is known by looking at their vasopressin receptor gene. It comes in 17 lengths and the longer it is the better. So that’s the size you should be concerned with. Thinking someone will change or stop that behavior because they are in love is ignorance. Can you battle genetics? Absolutely. Science knows that your genetics and DNA can be altered with outside influences now.
Understanding 13: YOU can NEVER change him! Only HE can change him. Now this is not in concrete this is just on average. Typically when a man marries a women he hopes she will never change— But when a woman marries a man she already has plans on modifying him in some way. Again on average women tend to grow and change most of their lives. Maybe it has to do with our ability to morph into two people during pregnancy or that our brains our wired to see and understand so much more of human behavior that we naturally just want do something with all of that brilliant insight. But if you settle for a partner who never wants to evolve and grow as a person it can leave you feeling very empty and disconnected after 5-10 years. Men are evolving like it or not which is why you will find many more in meditation and yoga rooms that used to be mostly filled with women. So my advice: If you know you want “Blue Fish” don’t go fishing in a stream ladies.
That’s it for now. Hopefully now you will avoid some common mistakes and find a guy who is jut the right fit for you. As always I am always available to for questions and one on one discussions. Be sure to check out all my other podcasts and be sure send me your comments.
Here is something Ancsestery.com does not tell you—
You are the descendants of the most worried, hyper alert, defensive people that ever evolved. How do I know?? Because you reading this. 10 thousand years ago if you weren’t, your chance of survival was almost zero. Back then the average life span was maybe 25 years. Our lives were in constant danger so all that mattered was making sure you lived to see another sunrise. Aside from all of the physical dangers of animal predators, you had to be very careful of other humans. If you came into contact with a stranger, back then they didn’t show up to say, “Hey what’s up homie wanna go clubbin? NO– They showed up to club you and take your food. For women if your partner was pissed at you that could mean he would leave and you and your offspring would die. So you would go into overdrive to please him.
If the tribe decided they were sick and tired of looking at your hair standing straight up every morning, you could be lunch by noon. So caring about what others thought was an imperative to our survival. To force that instinct into the background is not as healthy as to admit that the need is there and to then over ride it with daily reminders that you won’t die if other people think you dress funny.
You have to accept these instincts before you can over come them.
For today here is one of my podcasts that will explain in 12 minutes some things you need to understand before getting serious with a partner.
American spend almost $700 million a year in self-help books, The good people in the world are all trying to improve in some way. Be better wives, husbands, employees, bosses, parents or have healthier bodies. Because the goal—we always chase is to become a happier person —based on the belief that when I am better— I will feel better.
However, no one up until recently could ever tell you why you weren’t already a good parent, a great wife, or husband or employee. If you want to be these things why couldn’t you figure out how to do it on your own? You have a good heart right? Why on earth would you have to read a book to tell you how to be better to people you already love? The reason is because our behavior is largely veiled to us. On average we only see ourselves accurately about 40% of the time. And it is only that high when we are around close friends or family, it goes down to the teens when we are around strangers or acquaintances. We don’t really see ourselves as others do. If you think that study is wrong I dare you to find video of you that you didn’t know was being taken and tell me how shocking it is to “really” see how you are.
We all know and readily admit that we are not perfect but then we choke when others point out our faults. We go down swinging- defending, protecting and explaining away our actions. Then we dive into more self-help trying to get a glimpse of what others see and fix what is broken. If you want to feel better simply accept that sometimes others get hurt or put off by you. That kind of humility will go a very long way with friends and family not to mention give you the much needed understanding into your actions. When you “see it” you can “change it”
When that really crummy day happens and you find you let yourself become anxious, the neurochemicals that work best to calm it down are endorphins and oxytocin. Anxiety makes it really hard to experience serotonin and dopamine. Studies have shown that oxytocin and endorphins are best for triggering relaxation and calm. Is it any wonder we are wired to get the fastest dose of oxytocin from our partner? I guess evolution understood marriage could be tough at times.
To get a big dose of endorphins or oxytocin, have a great night of sex, cuddle with someone you love, sit with an infant, or spend time nurturing your children. Even being with your pet or volunteering at an animal shelter can do wonders. The most consistent way is get to the gym for some aerobic exercise (at least thirty minutes, if you are healthy enough); It is safer and works more efficiently than any drug we have on the market. Do an intense or endurance sport such as skiing, jet skiing, running, snowboarding, or biking. Research has even found that sunbathing can release endorphins; that is why a day at the beach can rejuvenate almost anyone and why tanning can be addicting. The majority of the people I meet at my gym who are over forty claim that the main reason they exercise is for the emotional benefits—even more than for physical conditioning. Exercise done right can get you out of a state of anxiety and keep you out for forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Guaranteed. No drug can promise that.
A while back I was having lunch at a neurobiology conference. The conversation went in the way of discussing car accidents (I guess we needed to dumb it down for lunch), and I mentioned that I was hit by a drunk driver more than fifteen times, also mentioning the physical impairments I was left with. It was a dramatic story of me chasing her for forty minutes until ten cop cars finally caught up and tried to stop us both.
Initially she hit me at over 55 miles per hour while I was stopped at red light. When I got my bearings back, I realized that instead of seeing if I was OK, she was trying to back up her crumpled car so she could get away. Well, thanks to some high quantities of adrenaline and dopamine, I ignored the pain shooting down my back and quickly and could tell she was drunk. I believed that if someone did not stop her, she would likely kill someone. So I decided to help out. As she hit speeds of 80 miles per hour, I pursued her as carefully as I could (no, I really did), but each time I got close enough to see her license plate and tried to call 911, all I got was “still searching” on my phone, Ugh! She repeatedly nodded off at intersections and traffic lights, at which point I would pull my car in front of her and try to block her path, but like a drunk Tasmanian Devil, she would spring to life and slam on the accelerator.
You will have to see me in person to hear the rest of the story, but the point is that at the end of my story, the woman to whom I was telling this looked at me and asked, “Are you angry for what she did to you?” I was caught off guard; no one had ever asked me that before. I said, “Not at all. I feel like that was one of the moments I will look back on as when my life really mattered.” That driver had been arrested five times for drunk driving prior to that afternoon. After the accident, she went to prison for a year, got sober, and became a drug counselor. Now she sends me a thank-you card each year on “our anniversary,” thanking me for being her guardian angel.
Others at the table commented on my positive attitude. I smiled because until that moment, I had never seen myself as a positive person, persé I always considered myself a realist. It was then that I realized I had always viewed a positive attitude as a decision to forcibly put a positive spin on things. I’d thought it was a decision that took strength and fortitude and a giant fake smile that I always believed was more about being in denial. Conversely, for me in this story, there was no other choice, no pushing away a buried resentment; this was the only way to see it.
As I have now rewired my brain with the techniques that I teach eeryday, I see that same perception pervading all the areas of my life. Now it just takes pausing for a moment for me to see the reality of all the goodness around me, and there is no other choice but to smile and feel good about life.
People are writing me from all over the world these days, saying that after practicing the techniques in my book, their brain is now naturally leaning toward a positive perception. The sane can happen to you and It won’t take putting rose-colored glasses on—just clear ones.
Find your story, and you will find your purpose. You have lived a life like no other. Whether boring, exciting, trivial, or grand, your experiences give rise to the same emotions and questions we all strive to answer. Your message is not in the events but in how you respond to them.
The popularity in becoming a life coach is due in part to millions of people trying to find their purpose. It’s coaches finding their purpose, in helping you find yours.
Judy Cater has made her purpose in life (aside from making people laugh) to help people find their purpose by finding their message. For each of us our purpose is often hiding within our life’s message. Discovering all the things you have learned that others need to know is a very exciting journey. Her Book, “The Message of You” will walk you through each step. It is one of the best books on finding your purpose because your purpose is not “out there” it’s inside you waiting to be discovered. This is the gold, the stuff we are supposed to pass down to the next generation to help them advance faster and avoid the pitfalls. Every single one of us has a message, one that is meant for a select group of people who, believe it or not, are desperate to hear it. Start to think about what yours is, and you will find more purpose than you ever dreamed of.
The importance of having a purpose in life can’t be overstated, and for good reason. Like I said in chapter seven scientific studies have proven time and time again that the happiest people in the world are those who feel they have a purpose. We need to matter.
That purpose can involve the world, your town, your family, or any organization where you feel needed or counted on. When that wanes, even in the course of a day, it can leave you experiencing low-grade misery. To the degree that you feel you make a difference, you will feel good. Purpose is why humans are drawn to join clubs, groups, fraternities, sororities, and other organizations.
In the course of your day, the short-term purposes may be obvious; your lifelong purpose, however, can be more obscure. Yet when you know what yours is, it will be the reason you spring out of bed in the morning.
Many people have no idea what their purpose is, and tons of seminars are given every year to help them find it. Not knowing one’s purpose can trigger a midlife crisis and can be the reason for taking trips to go find oneself. We all seem to have this innate need to know that there is a reason—and a damn good one—for being on this earth. Often this issue raises its head only long after college, as in college goals have more to do with career choice and making money; much less consideration is given to the importance of making a difference.
Taking the time to absorb all the good around you sounds like a cliché. However, it is really a natural form of neurostimulation. Neurostimulation happens when a doctor inserts an electrode into a certain area in your brain causing neurons to fire; depending on where it is inserted this can cause a reaction or feeling. But we can do this naturally due to the fact that your brain never knows if something is real or just a memory. Which is why you get all angry when remembering something said to you ages ago. When you trigger your own neurons by taking a moment to focus on only what is happening in the here and now it will cause you to physically slow down, and in a good way. You will be less hurried and calmer. You need be aware whenever you begin to start rushing around in a hurried fashion. When that happens, you are not appreciating the positive and have gone on autopilot. Remember, physically moving too quickly, hurrying about the office or kitchen, or driving too fast means you are not present, and are rushing toward some future event.
After a few weeks of practicing mindfulness/meditation, you will notice that when you are done, you feel calmer and have greater awareness. As you continue practicing, you will end the session having a more peaceful state of mind. You will find your thoughts no longer racing along but rather absorbed in the present, freeing you to pay attention to what you are doing. At first, it will fascinate you that your thoughts are not sweeping you away. Instead, your mind will seem completely interested in what you are doing in the moment. Regardless of what that is, you will find a contentment in just being with it. There is no rat race except the one in our minds, you set the pace.
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