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Part 3 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One

Understanding Number 7: 

Having no boundaries means you give yourself permission to feel good around him allow him to make you feel wonderful. Right here is where everything changes. You make a conscious decision to seek his compliments, gifts, adoration, caring, and listening. You will see if he brings out the best in you and if he is powerful or has powerful connections you will most likely dive in head first. Does Donald Trump really think those chicks love him for his hair? It is why groupies flock to rock stars like moths to a flame. So be aware of the lure of power. Staying aware of what is happening in your brain and understanding that it is not some cosmic divine connection but simply chemicals will help you maintain objectivity if you put the following boundaries in place.

Understanding Number 8: 

  • Boundaries are : not having sex and not being too vulnerable when you are around him until you have discussed the following issues–
  • Children
  • Money
  • Sex
  • Fidelity
  • In-Law boundaries
  • Shared household responsibilities
  • Alchohol and drug over indulgence

If you feel it is too early to have those conversations but not to early to have sex then your priorities are reversed.  If you are serious about finding the right guy then you have to have these conversations before hand. These are why marriages crash and burn. If you still think it’s too early just think about this: most of those questions are addressed in simple roommate agreements.

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Part 2 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One

Part 2 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One

Understanding Number 5: Your primitive brain can be easily tricked if you are on the pill. Being on the pill will trick your body into thinking it’s pregnant and therefore look for an immune system that is similar to yours because that represents a family member, who will support you in your pregnancy. So be sure to date a man for 3 months on the pill and 3 months off to see if your attraction changes.

Understanding Number 6: The powerful emotions that will follow all these green lights are fueled by over 200 hormones and neurochemicals that will cause you to feel you are falling in love. Once these chemicals ignite, your once sensible and reasonable mind will NOT be functioning with clarity. This the key area you need boundaries or you will fall in love with the wrong one by becoming so addicted to the wonderful buzz that you will ignore everything that could be wrong with him.

And it ignites this fast is because everything in your genetics and reptilian brain pushes you toward finding a mate.

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We Do Care what Others Think— Although We Hate To Admit It

Here is something Ancsestery.com does not tell you—

You are the descendants of the most worried, hyper alert, defensive people that ever evolved. How do I know??  Because you  reading this. 10 thousand years ago if you weren’t, your chance of survival was almost zero. Back then the average life span was maybe 25 years.  Our lives were in constant danger so all that mattered was making sure you lived to see another sunrise.  Aside from all of the physical dangers of animal predators, you had to be very careful of other humans. If you came into contact with a stranger, back then they didn’t show up to say, “Hey what’s up homie wanna go clubbin?  NO– They showed up to club you and take your food. For women if your partner was pissed at you that could mean he would leave and you and your offspring would die. So you would go into overdrive to please him.

If the tribe decided they were sick and tired of looking at your hair standing straight up every morning, you could be lunch by noon. So caring about what others thought was an imperative to our survival. To force that instinct into the background is not as healthy as to admit that the need is there and to then over ride it with daily reminders that you won’t die if other people think you dress funny.

You have to accept these instincts before you can over come them.

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Time To Be Honest With Yourself

American spend almost $700 million a year in self-help books, The good people in the world are all trying to improve in some way. Be better wives, husbands, employees, bosses, parents or have healthier bodies. Because the goal—we always chase is to become a happier person —based on the belief that when I am better— I will feel better.

However, no one up until recently could ever tell you why you weren’t already a good parent, a great wife, or husband or employee. If you want to be these things why couldn’t you figure out how to do it on your own? You have a good heart right? Why on earth would you have to read a book to tell you how to be better to people you already love?  The reason is because our behavior is largely veiled to us. On average we only see ourselves accurately about 40% of the time. And it is only that high when we are around close friends or family, it goes down to  the teens when we are around strangers or acquaintances.  We don’t really see ourselves as others do. If you think that study is wrong I dare you to find video of you that you didn’t know was being taken and tell me how shocking it is to “really” see how you are.

We all know and readily admit that we are not perfect but then we choke when others point out our faults. We go down swinging- defending, protecting and explaining away our actions.  Then we dive into more self-help trying to get a glimpse of what others see and fix what is broken. If you want to feel better simply accept that sometimes others get hurt or put off by you. That kind of humility will go a very long way with friends and family not to mention give you the much needed understanding into your actions. When you “see it” you can “change it”

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Handling High Anxiety

When that really crummy day happens and you find you let yourself become anxious, the neurochemicals that work best to calm it down are endorphins and oxytocin. Anxiety makes it really hard to experience serotonin and dopamine. Studies have shown that oxytocin and endorphins are best for triggering relaxation and calm. Is it any wonder we are wired to get the fastest dose of oxytocin from our partner? I guess evolution understood marriage could be tough at times.

To get a big dose of endorphins or oxytocin, have a great night of sex, cuddle with someone you love, sit with an infant, or spend time nurturing your children. Even being with your pet or volunteering at an animal shelter can do wonders. The most consistent way is get to the gym for some aerobic exercise (at least thirty minutes, if you are healthy enough); It is safer and works more efficiently than any drug we have on the market. Do an intense or endurance sport such as skiing, jet skiing, running, snowboarding, or biking. Research has even found that sunbathing can release endorphins; that is why a day at the beach can rejuvenate almost anyone and why tanning can be addicting. The majority of the people I meet at my gym who are over forty claim that the main reason they exercise is for the emotional benefits—even more than for physical conditioning. Exercise done right can get you out of a state of anxiety and keep you out for forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Guaranteed. No drug can promise that.

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Which is More Realistic; Downer Dan or Pollyanna?

A while back I was having lunch at a neurobiology conference. The conversation went in the way of discussing car accidents (I guess we needed to dumb it down for lunch), and I mentioned that I was hit by a drunk driver more than fifteen times, also mentioning the physical impairments I was left with. It was a dramatic story of me chasing her for forty minutes until ten cop cars finally caught up and tried to stop us both.

Initially she hit me at over 55 miles per hour while I was stopped at red light. When I got my bearings back, I realized that instead of seeing if I was OK, she was trying to back up her crumpled car so she could get away. Well, thanks to some high quantities of adrenaline and dopamine, I ignored the pain shooting down my back and quickly and could tell she was drunk. I believed that if someone did not stop her, she would likely kill someone. So I decided to help out. As she hit speeds of 80 miles per hour, I pursued her as carefully as I could (no, I really did), but each time I got close enough to see her license plate and tried to call 911, all I got was “still searching” on my phone, Ugh! She repeatedly nodded off at intersections and traffic lights, at which point I would pull my car in front of her and try to block her path, but like a drunk Tasmanian Devil, she would spring to life and slam on the accelerator.

You will have to see me in person to hear the rest of the story, but the point is that at the end of my story, the woman to whom I was telling this looked at me and asked, “Are you angry for what she did to you?” I was caught off guard; no one had ever asked me that before. I said, “Not at all. I feel like that was one of the moments I will look back on as when my life really mattered.” That driver had been arrested five times for drunk driving prior to that afternoon. After the accident, she went to prison for a year, got sober, and became a drug counselor. Now she sends me a thank-you card each year on “our anniversary,” thanking me for being her guardian angel.

Others at the table commented on my positive attitude. I smiled because until that moment, I had never seen myself as a positive person, persé I always considered myself a realist. It was then that I realized I had always viewed a positive attitude as a decision to forcibly put a positive spin on things. I’d thought it was a decision that took strength and fortitude and a giant fake smile that I always believed was more about being in denial. Conversely, for me in this story, there was no other choice, no pushing away a buried resentment; this was the only way to see it.

As I have now rewired my brain with the techniques that I teach eeryday, I see that same perception pervading all the areas of my life. Now it just takes pausing for a moment for me to see the reality of all the goodness around me, and there is no other choice but to smile and feel good about life.

People are writing me from all over the world these days, saying that after practicing the techniques in my book, their brain is now naturally leaning toward a positive perception. The sane can happen to you and It won’t take putting rose-colored glasses on—just clear ones.

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How To Start To Like People Again

Applying your new awareness in public settings like I described in my last blog can be a very eye-opening exercise. Here are a few more things to be aware of; Take note if you automatically avoid eye contact when in public. See if you do this in some places but not others. Try to get a sense of whether you are feeling vulnerable, insecure, guilty, or just unwanted. I have noticed how people do this when first walking through the door into my gym, but then they loosen up and start making some eye contact after they begin exercising. Maybe it’s the common goal they have there; it’s like they remind themselves, “It’s OK; I am expected to be here.” See if you can name what you are feeling at each place you go. Like the doctor’s office, store, bank, post office, gym, or theater.

You may notice that at place where you have to wait to be served, that you tend to see the others as obstacles because typically you have to wait for them to get done before you can be taken care of. Initially, we walk into a store and see how much time this will cost us before we even think about a price. On the opposite side, I have actually noticed slight feelings of guilt when I am in line somewhere and another has to wait for me. (But that could just be my Catholic school guilt; let me know if that happens to you.)

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How To Find Your Purpose

Find your story, and you will find your purpose. You have lived a life like no other. Whether boring, exciting, trivial, or grand, your experiences give rise to the same emotions and questions we all strive to answer. Your message is not in the events but in how you respond to them.

The popularity in becoming a life coach is due in part to millions of people trying to find their purpose. It’s coaches finding their purpose, in helping you find yours.

Judy Cater has made her purpose in life (aside from making people laugh) to help people find their purpose by finding their message. For each of us our purpose is often hiding within our life’s message. Discovering all the things you have learned that others need to know is a very exciting journey. Her Book, “The Message of You” will walk you through each step. It is one of the best books on finding your purpose because your purpose is not “out there” it’s inside you waiting to be discovered. This is the gold, the stuff we are supposed to pass down to the next generation to help them advance faster and avoid the pitfalls. Every single one of us has a message, one that is meant for a select group of people who, believe it or not, are desperate to hear it. Start to think about what yours is, and you will find more purpose than you ever dreamed of.

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REBLOG THIS AND BE ENTERED TO WIN MY AUDIO BOOK!!

Everyday I blog and write about what makes us do what we do and how to get the best out of life and your own brain. The testimonies are pouring in everyday and I know that I am fulfilling my purpose. Book & Kindle Sales and the audio book sales are soaring. So I want to give back to someone. Every person who repblogs this between now and Friday will go into a lottery drawing for MY FREE audio book. I will post all the names in the drawing. Will pull the lucky winner on Saturday Morning. Good Luck!11212576_399954353532412_3586067422756689709_o

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Appreciation Exercise From “Wired To Worry”

Appreciation Exercise From “Wired To Worry”

Using a natural form of neurostimulation read the list below and see how upset you would be if the things listed below happened. Read the list below and pause at each one to imagine experiencing each event, with all the details and emotions you would feel. Imagine how crummy it would be to have to deal with them and how they would affect your day (Take time for this; it’s important.)

Rip in Your Pants

Lost Wallet

Lost Keys

Spilled Coffee in Car

Cell Phone Missing

Big Stain on Couch

Dent on Car

Earrings are Missing

Car Won’t Start

Virus That Wipes Computer Out

Now take ten to fifteen seconds with each one to imagine each problem disappearing, allowing yourself to feel relieved. Let it really sink in how really wonderful it is that these situations are not something you have to deal with today.

Every day, their absence and the absence of other things like them are a GOOD experience, a blessing that you need to soak in. Try to even name the good feelings you experience (e.g., wonderful, safe, secure, appreciative, happy). Allowing these feelings of appreciation and gladness to soak in will begin to reset your brain’s spotlight so it gets in the habit of looking for the good things all around you rather than letting them simply go unnoticed.

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