Part 2 Continuing Series on “What You Need to Know to Find the Right One
Understanding Number 5: Your primitive brain can be easily tricked if you are on the pill. Being on the pill will trick your body into thinking it’s pregnant and therefore look for an immune system that is similar to yours because that represents a family member, who will support you in your pregnancy. So be sure to date a man for 3 months on the pill and 3 months off to see if your attraction changes.
Understanding Number 6: The powerful emotions that will follow all these green lights are fueled by over 200 hormones and neurochemicals that will cause you to feel you are falling in love. Once these chemicals ignite, your once sensible and reasonable mind will NOT be functioning with clarity. This the key area you need boundaries or you will fall in love with the wrong one by becoming so addicted to the wonderful buzz that you will ignore everything that could be wrong with him.
And it ignites this fast is because everything in your genetics and reptilian brain pushes you toward finding a mate.
American spend almost $700 million a year in self-help books, The good people in the world are all trying to improve in some way. Be better wives, husbands, employees, bosses, parents or have healthier bodies. Because the goal—we always chase is to become a happier person —based on the belief that when I am better— I will feel better.
However, no one up until recently could ever tell you why you weren’t already a good parent, a great wife, or husband or employee. If you want to be these things why couldn’t you figure out how to do it on your own? You have a good heart right? Why on earth would you have to read a book to tell you how to be better to people you already love? The reason is because our behavior is largely veiled to us. On average we only see ourselves accurately about 40% of the time. And it is only that high when we are around close friends or family, it goes down to the teens when we are around strangers or acquaintances. We don’t really see ourselves as others do. If you think that study is wrong I dare you to find video of you that you didn’t know was being taken and tell me how shocking it is to “really” see how you are.
We all know and readily admit that we are not perfect but then we choke when others point out our faults. We go down swinging- defending, protecting and explaining away our actions. Then we dive into more self-help trying to get a glimpse of what others see and fix what is broken. If you want to feel better simply accept that sometimes others get hurt or put off by you. That kind of humility will go a very long way with friends and family not to mention give you the much needed understanding into your actions. When you “see it” you can “change it”
When that really crummy day happens and you find you let yourself become anxious, the neurochemicals that work best to calm it down are endorphins and oxytocin. Anxiety makes it really hard to experience serotonin and dopamine. Studies have shown that oxytocin and endorphins are best for triggering relaxation and calm. Is it any wonder we are wired to get the fastest dose of oxytocin from our partner? I guess evolution understood marriage could be tough at times.
To get a big dose of endorphins or oxytocin, have a great night of sex, cuddle with someone you love, sit with an infant, or spend time nurturing your children. Even being with your pet or volunteering at an animal shelter can do wonders. The most consistent way is get to the gym for some aerobic exercise (at least thirty minutes, if you are healthy enough); It is safer and works more efficiently than any drug we have on the market. Do an intense or endurance sport such as skiing, jet skiing, running, snowboarding, or biking. Research has even found that sunbathing can release endorphins; that is why a day at the beach can rejuvenate almost anyone and why tanning can be addicting. The majority of the people I meet at my gym who are over forty claim that the main reason they exercise is for the emotional benefits—even more than for physical conditioning. Exercise done right can get you out of a state of anxiety and keep you out for forty-eight to seventy-two hours. Guaranteed. No drug can promise that.
Thousands of years ago, meeting new people could mean extreme danger. A new tribe showing up out of nowhere could mean a battle to the death. Very seldom did a new group of people show up just to say, “Wus Up?” If you did not overcome this built in shyness factor as a child you may still dread social events of any kind. After years of this you may have conjured up some pretty good reasons for avoiding the masses. “People are annoying, I will have nothing in common, all they do is talk about themselves, most are boring.” Start today being mindful when you enter a public setting. Notice, in the background of your mind, the quiet assumption that people are judging you, even at the supermarket. Almost everyone does this. It is why we walk into a store and avoid most eye contact—and is why they, too, assume we don’t want anything to do with them. Our way of protecting ourselves is to either ignore the faces in front of us or begin to judge them back.
Once you start to see just how often you avoid eye contact with strangers, you will spot these underlying tendencies. I am still taken back when I am in a store and I hear a kind voice from a stranger or get a kind look. It is there that I instantly feel my defenses come down and am aware of my own negativity churning away in the background. Have you ever noticed that sometimes even when walking into a family event, you feel a slight hesitation until you get that first hug? Then it’s like, “Well, at least one person is glad to see me.” Even at functions with acquaintances you can have that sense of being ten years old again about to walk by a group of kids you don’t know. Being comfortable with people is like being able to dance well. It brings confidence and a sense of security. It is never too late to build your social muscles.
Find your story, and you will find your purpose. You have lived a life like no other. Whether boring, exciting, trivial, or grand, your experiences give rise to the same emotions and questions we all strive to answer. Your message is not in the events but in how you respond to them.
The popularity in becoming a life coach is due in part to millions of people trying to find their purpose. It’s coaches finding their purpose, in helping you find yours.
Judy Cater has made her purpose in life (aside from making people laugh) to help people find their purpose by finding their message. For each of us our purpose is often hiding within our life’s message. Discovering all the things you have learned that others need to know is a very exciting journey. Her Book, “The Message of You” will walk you through each step. It is one of the best books on finding your purpose because your purpose is not “out there” it’s inside you waiting to be discovered. This is the gold, the stuff we are supposed to pass down to the next generation to help them advance faster and avoid the pitfalls. Every single one of us has a message, one that is meant for a select group of people who, believe it or not, are desperate to hear it. Start to think about what yours is, and you will find more purpose than you ever dreamed of.
The importance of having a purpose in life can’t be overstated, and for good reason. Like I said in chapter seven scientific studies have proven time and time again that the happiest people in the world are those who feel they have a purpose. We need to matter.
That purpose can involve the world, your town, your family, or any organization where you feel needed or counted on. When that wanes, even in the course of a day, it can leave you experiencing low-grade misery. To the degree that you feel you make a difference, you will feel good. Purpose is why humans are drawn to join clubs, groups, fraternities, sororities, and other organizations.
In the course of your day, the short-term purposes may be obvious; your lifelong purpose, however, can be more obscure. Yet when you know what yours is, it will be the reason you spring out of bed in the morning.
Many people have no idea what their purpose is, and tons of seminars are given every year to help them find it. Not knowing one’s purpose can trigger a midlife crisis and can be the reason for taking trips to go find oneself. We all seem to have this innate need to know that there is a reason—and a damn good one—for being on this earth. Often this issue raises its head only long after college, as in college goals have more to do with career choice and making money; much less consideration is given to the importance of making a difference.
Continuing with yesterday’ blog about how much we take for granted I wanted to mention a few of the 100’s of things we look past every day. If you take time each day to Look for items in your immediate surroundings that are relaxing, comforting, inspiring, informative, or helpful, your brain in only a few days will do this naturally. This focus will keep it rooted in the positives around you not the negatives. Look at your outdoor surroundings and the beautiful trees or warm faces that you see. If outdoors is not an option, see if you can see or feel something beautiful, like a picture on the wall, a comfortable chair, or even the sturdy floor. Think of something or someone you are glad to have apart of your life in your present or past. Think of how easy it is to find decent, clean clothes. What would it be like if you had to walk a mile right now in order to get water from a well. Ponder for just a moment the images you see on TV of homeless, sick, hungry, and hopeless people. Focusing for the first time with real attention on any of these things I just mentioned will change your mood in just moments.
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So often at the onset of our day we start off getting annoyed if any of our modern convinces don’t function the way WE THINK THEY SHOULD. Not to mention our tendency to quickly dismiss these advancements. We complain when it takes an extra twenty seconds to send an e-mail. Twenty seconds to send our thoughts, which may or may not be of any importance to anyone but us, to the other side of the world! When I was growing up, it blew my mind to hear another voice on the other end of my new walkie-talkies that I got for Christmas. What about Facebook’s occasional changes? OMG, everyone starts flipping out as if it will stop the world as we know it, and the “I am leaving Facebook forever” chant begins. This program allows us to find in mere minutes a second grade crush! And for free! Our storming off is pretty much irrelevant to Facebook, yet our overinflated perception of our own influence is staggering!
How about an IPad or other tablet? I admit I have flipped out when it takes too long to get on YouTube. I’ve gotten indignant at how it is interrupting my workout on the stationary bike because I have no use for the twelve TV channels that the gym offers. It is all because I want what I want when I want it. And what I want is to be watching lectures from UCLA while I exercise!
Starting today, make sure a positive experience or modern marvel is never wasted again. Right now, look around and notice five things that are there for you in any way. These are your good facts. They may be from the past, present, or future. They could be people, surroundings, or technology, but either way these are things that can shift our perspective and thereby lift our mood.
The key is to find things to feel good about and never take another thing for granted.
What stops you from feeling the things you already have? You have worked hard for your home, car, job, friends, and family. When you were growing up, all you could do was dream about one day having these things. Now these things are available to you plus a host of other nice things, good things, great things, and kind things—but your mind barely notices them. Your brain has been programed to want to just move on so you can get to the next thing. It never ends; its appetite for the next thing is insatiable. It sees almost everything as a means to an end…some evasive “end” that never comes, like tomorrow. At best, it will see each moment as a tool; at worst, as another problem to be solved or overcome.
This is the dreary mist in which we walk around in, never really seeing, feeling, or tasting any of the precious things life brings to us. This has to change. We must understand that the degree to which we give this moment our full attention and focus will be the degree to which the next moment is prepared for us. Life is not a series of obstacles to get through every day. For what? When does the pleasure start? When we get home from work? When we get the kids to bed? When we get into bed? The pleasure is hiding in plain view within each moment we experience. The pleasure is recognizing that there is no other place to be but in this moment. It is the pleasure of not running ahead worrying about stuff that has not even happened, the pleasure of seeing the smiles on the faces of friends and colleagues that we normally only glance at. This pleasure entails smiling right now and knowing things don’t have to be perfect to feel good right now. Today we must come out of this mist and never allow it to control our attitudes and moods again.